Finality.

I will no longer be publishing here, as i seek a fresh start. If anybody is interested, drop me a line @ garyngjb@hotmail.com

the first cut, is the deepest.

3 weeks left till the end of my first semester! and then the long awaited holidays! not to mention the trip to HongKong with my friends!
while i'm sure nobody visits this forsaken blog anymore, i'll attempt to explain the extended hiatus to myself, just so i'll post in something now and then. one of the main reasons i don't blog anymore, because having to do a reflective journal 5 days a week for school is bad enough! i write not for pleasure, but to release all the pent up frustration built up. which explains the mostly angsty entries. i've also been preoccupied with school among other things.
i've done some self reflection lately, and numerous matters, i can see clearly now. i'm going to follow a new set of principals and values, see how they work out. wish me luck.





my thoughts run wild, as the sun sets and the light fades.

vertigo.

I may have slept the past 15 months away, just in one night.
Seemingly, ache has left me.
Though, the memories linger, they haunt.
Need to feel happy again,
Don't wanna be angry and bitter.
Get away, Get away from it all.
Maybe things will change,
Maybe things will remain the same,
What the future holds?
I can't wait.

cringe-worthy.

oooohhh yeah. cue drumroll, girls dancing, and i make a grand entrance. this place has been rather quiet nowadays. i've been.. lazy. or afraid. i used to have plenty of.. things. i call it things. some call it opinions. sometimes its just plain rantin. but anyway.

a lot of me has been hiding. contemplating. trying to see the world through my eyes. the pair which are stil learning, growing. of late i have really seen some eye openers. how immensely jacked up people can be when they are under stress.

how would you feel if someone u considered a friend stabbed you in the back, while you were watching his? shitty i'd bet.

anyway. shitty reminds me of something. recently i've had some rather minor health problems. for those of you medically inclined, you might already have guessed. for those less fortunate, i had piles. they're like blisters, but up your arse. i had blood coming outta my stool for 2 weeks.
finally i couldnt ignore the fact that i had blood on me everytime i shat, and i went to the doctor. he inserted something called a protoscope and checked my ass out. literally. it was.. an enlightening experience. like now i know how anal sex feels like, and im rather sure i dont wana try it. so anyway. its been a week since i saw the doctor, and been having the medication. i'm proud to announce that i no longer have blood in my shit. thanks for all the kudos and the grats.


author's footnote.
i am sorry if the latest post, is vastly incoherent. i aim to please, and with enough practise in the coming months i will hopefully get back to writing like before. thank you.
i bless all of you, dont get piles.

bitter taste.

tonight reminded me of why i wanted to leave singapore so badly then. didn't matter where i went or what i did ( to a certain degree ), but i definitely wanted an escape route out of here. pronto.

its not just thinking that the grass will be greener on the other side, no. i simply want a new environment to be in. with new people. because i loathe singaporeans. yes i'm one too. but i'm not like the people i loathe.

some day i will get out of here. forsaking all friendships, family.
maybe i'll leave with you.
ma cherie.

torn tutu.

you see the problem is, when the gf is happy nothing can stop her from wanting to take a pretty picture of herself. not even a tempting offer of $3.14.















look. with me, she looks better. why? cuz i look ugly and it makes her look better.

















this was on the eve of the national day when i went to see fireworks with kerrie. after squeezing with all sorts of people(regardless of race,language or religion), i couldnt be bothered to follow the bleeding rules. kerrie promptly caught me in the act and sent the picture to the local authorities.
bugger.

in the dead of the night.

i dont give a rat's ass about what you think of me. ok so maybe i do. fuck you.




only during moments like these i feel that i'm most alive. where in the darkness i'm kept company by the silence. where my thoughts hidden in my deepest recesses come alive. it makes everything i say/do seem so.. inconsequential.

5 years ago in my life i was an angsty youth. pigheaded, i didn't listen to my best friends when it mattered the most. like sometimes when you gotta let go, you gotta let go. perhaps things/my life would have turned out in a different manner. skipping the needless pain and misfortune.

the thing is, there really is no point talking about the past. people always say. i think its important to always remind oneself of the stinging memories. it spurs me on, and reminds me to not commit the same stupid things. not most of them anyway. but some of the things i've said and always been maintaining still holds true to this day.

do you think a person no matter how good you think they actually are, could be actually crazy and have insane thoughts? because within every person's dark side, also lies one or a few of their deepest and most intimate fear/secrets? or vice versa, within a person slapped with a life sentence could find it in them to turn over into a new leaf, deperately wanting to give back what they ripped from society. i think, all it takes, is a little bit of faith and trust. a little bit of faith and trust, for one to open up those deepest, most intimate locks within. it may well be the last thing you do in life no matter how long you take to pluck up courage to do it. but at least, at the very least. do it. its what the people around you deserve. those who really care. if you can find one.